Why I didn't want to come back this year (and why I'm glad that I did)

I didn't want to come back to college this year. I really, really didn't. After spending the whole summer trapped in a narrow existence of illness, exhaustion and apathy, the thought of coming back to another intense year of hard work and expectations was making me anxious and unhappy. I just didn't think I actually had the strength - physical or mental - to face it yet.

But I did come back. I came back because I felt that it was important that I carried on, through everything - however horrible, or confusing - that was happening to me, perhaps even did something with it. Owned it, made it into something.

So far, I'm glad that I came back. That isn't to say that it's easy - I'm tired all the time, and have difficulty concentrating, and everything is taking me so much longer than the same things would have done this time last year.  But I've also learned a lot in the six weeks since being back:

• It's okay to not be okay. Having bad days is okay. Running at less than 100% because right now you can't expend all that energy is okay. Just hang on in there. "The best way out is always through"
• All the work I care about doing at the moment, is being shaped by my own experiences. It's all far more autobiographical than I thought I'd ever make. But if that's how I'm processing my emotions and experiences, then that's healthy. It takes more bravery to put yourself into your work than I'd appreciated. If you're struggling, it's okay to want to talk about it, and it's okay to want to deal with it in anyway that works for you. 
• I've learned an awful lot about being a bit kinder, gentler. Having never been someone who's very good at 'letting up' or 'switching off', it's a big shock to the system for me to accept having to be happy with whatever I feel I can manage doing at the moment. I'm coming to realise that 'learning' isn't about what happens in universities, it's about finding a place for yourself in relation to the world.