Why I didn't want to come back this year (and why I'm glad that I did)

I didn't want to come back to college this year. I really, really didn't. After spending the whole summer trapped in a narrow existence of illness, exhaustion and apathy, the thought of coming back to another intense year of hard work and expectations was making me anxious and unhappy. I just didn't think I actually had the strength - physical or mental - to face it yet.

But I did come back. I came back because I felt that it was important that I carried on, through everything - however horrible, or confusing - that was happening to me, perhaps even did something with it. Owned it, made it into something.

So far, I'm glad that I came back. That isn't to say that it's easy - I'm tired all the time, and have difficulty concentrating, and everything is taking me so much longer than the same things would have done this time last year.  But I've also learned a lot in the six weeks since being back:

• It's okay to not be okay. Having bad days is okay. Running at less than 100% because right now you can't expend all that energy is okay. Just hang on in there. "The best way out is always through"
• All the work I care about doing at the moment, is being shaped by my own experiences. It's all far more autobiographical than I thought I'd ever make. But if that's how I'm processing my emotions and experiences, then that's healthy. It takes more bravery to put yourself into your work than I'd appreciated. If you're struggling, it's okay to want to talk about it, and it's okay to want to deal with it in anyway that works for you. 
• I've learned an awful lot about being a bit kinder, gentler. Having never been someone who's very good at 'letting up' or 'switching off', it's a big shock to the system for me to accept having to be happy with whatever I feel I can manage doing at the moment. I'm coming to realise that 'learning' isn't about what happens in universities, it's about finding a place for yourself in relation to the world. 

Markl Hearld at the Scottish Gallery

While I was in Edinburgh this past weekend, I went to go and see Mark Hearld's exhibition, Collage, Pigeons & Platters at the Scottish Gallery. It's quite a small show, but just jam packed with colour, texture and knick knacks. I love the earthiness of all his work, it's all so alive with the human touch. Seeing work like this just reconfirms my suspicions that art best exists in the real world, in all its messy, painterly glory

PPP3 intro task

Who are you now - has anything changed your view of your practice? 

• I want to use my own practice and any emotional understanding I have of the practices of others' as a tool for good - specifically for healing/therapeutic purposes 
• I definitely do not want to 'be an illustrator' for commercial gain. An artist? Perhaps, alongside another, more world-based practice. I still have a lot of respect for illustration as a practice, and for illustrators and graphic artists, but that is not what I want for myself. 
• My own personal circumstances are making me want to see and use creativity as a healing process.
• Undoing all I know about 'illustration', and returning to the raw fundamentals of creating, and the joy of creativity. It's okay to take steps backward.

"And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about" - Haruki Murakami, from Kafka On The Shore 

This quotation has been floating around in my head for a while now. 

What are your plans for the structure of your future practice? 

• I want to continue with post-graduate studies in Art Therapy. I want to distance any practice I have at present from 'illustration' as a discipline. 
• Want to start building an academic-based thread of my practice, deepening my understanding of art therapy and creation as catharsis/a healing tool.